Empty Eyes

Have you ever thought to yourself: What do I live for? or What matters most to me?

It has been over 15 months since I have been here in North Carolina. I can hardly believe it. Over the past 15 months I have been able to see many people with many different desires. It interests me to be able to sit down with all of these people and get to know what they look forward to in this life. As you might imagine, these desires range from working on cars, to supporting a family, to tending a garden. I love being able to see what matters most to people.

I will not soon forget one of these wonderful people I have sat down with. The man I am referring to was the husband of one of my favorite investigators. His name was Al. They lived in a cozy, brick home in a quaint town. It seemed like every time we would show up, without fail, Al would be out front with his walker gardening out front. Needless to say, his garden was beautifully kept. Al would always sit in on lessons and nod his head and give input every once in a while. After 5 months of getting to know this friendly couple we began to see their desires and what they look forward to in life. We soon found that Al is one of those men that loves getting things done and being able to work with his hands, especially in his garden. In a lot of ways, he reminded me of my grandfather. Like my grandpa, as Al got older and older he felt like he wasn't able to do the things that he used to. His health continued to decline as we visited the couple. He had a few falls and a few trips to the hospital. His wife worried about him quite often.

On a visit in the last little bit I was there, my heart broke for Al. Each visit he seemed to be less and less engaged and subsequently more and more distant. Finally, one night he completely broke down. This man that used to have so much purpose now was completely distraught. As tears rolled from his eyes he told stories of the time when he grew up on a farm in Maine. He would ride horses, till the soil, plant seeds, and reap from the harvest. He reminisced on the things he had achieved in this life and reflected on how absolutely incapable he felt now. He was devastated that he couldn't even uphold a garden now. He had what I have come to know as "empty eyes." Empty eyes the result of hitting rock bottom and feeling as though there is nothing left. As I looked into Al's empty eyes, I saw a piece of my grandpa in him. 

I will promise anyone on earth the same thing that we promised Al that night. There is more to life than this. When it is all said and done things like working on cars, supporting a family, or tending a garden are great things to do in this life to gain experience but ultimately we don't take cars, money, or our garden with us. I know that when we leave from this life we have the ability to be with our family again, to return with God, and ultimately experience joy that we cannot comprehend. Let us all take some time to evaluate what matters most to us. Focus on those things that matter most. Reach out to a friend, bond with your family, and achieve worthy goals. I know that the happiness that comes from those things is the happiness that will last into the life to come.

The Future is Bright

The other day I was pondering on the fact that our loving God would let some of his children go through trials, even devastating trials at times. The hardest thing I have seen on my mission is when innocent, kind people are hurt. I realize, the unenviable pattern of life is that everyone on earth will have ups and downs. Just looking at life logically, it is impossible to have all our days be better than average. Some days will be fantastic and others will be heart-breaking. But if God is really there, and God really loves us, why?

In the Bible, 5th chapter of Mathew it says

          "That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust."

An instant parallel that opened up to my mind as I read that verse is like any Father and Child (or Mother and child) relationship. If the child always got what he wanted, if they are anything like me, life would consist of ice-cream for every meal, late nights, no homework, sleeping in, and simply living in the moment. That would be absolutely fantastic for the first day or two but it would slowly begin to become detrimental on the children. Likewise, more often than not, experiences teach us vital life lessons and skills. Our Father in Heaven allows these trials come upon us so that we might come out stronger.

I know what it is like to feel sad, inadequate, or discouraged. We all do. But as we look up to the future ahead and have faith, one day it will all be well. I love the quote from Thomas S. Monson at the top. "Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith."

Did You See

Last week, on August 20, my grandfather passed away at age 92. He was a WWII veteran, hard worker, role model, organ player, and last but not least an amazing grandpa. He leaves a legacy of 8 children, 35 grandchildren, and 75 great-grandchildren. His funeral is tomorrow and I will not be able to attend but I wanted to show my respect. This is the poem for my grandpa, the least I could do.

Did You See

Did you see that little brown eyes
watched you while you lived your days?
They saw the light in your eyes
and looked up to all your ways.

Did you see that little brown eyes
observed you as you'd pull out Grandma's chair?
From what they saw Grandma was a queen
and she was always treated fair.

Did you see that little brown eyes
lit up when you'd let us climb on your back?
Mom would beg us to stop before
you'd have a heart-attack.

Did you see those little brown eyes
search for coins that fell in your favorite seat?
Unaware that the night before
You'd place them there for me.

Did you see those little brown eyes
squint in laughter as you'd draw on my hand?
A picture of a a kitty cat
would tickle more than I could stand.

Did you see those little brown eyes
watch intently as you told stories of before?
They imagined all the places you've been
and envisioned you a hero of war.

Now, did you know those little brown eyes
blinked and you were gone?
Clueless of what they should do
because you've been here all along.

Did you know those little brown eyes
are now filled with tears?
They miss seeing the Grandpa
they loved through all the years.

Do you see these little brown eyes
looking to heaven above?
Praying for comfort and peace,
pleading for God's love.

Did you know these little brown eyes
look now to the future ahead?
They belong to a young man now
who remembers your example, the things that you said.

I can make you proud, I promise.
Keep watching and you'll see.
By following your example
you're still alive through me.

I will share the wonderful news
until the very end.
That because of Him, these little brown eyes
will see your face again.

Because of Him 

death has no sting 

the grave has no victory

Black Out

Not too long ago, in a tornado warning, I had a realization that changed my outlook on our world we live in today.

Like I have mentioned a time or two before, I was born and raised in Idaho. With that being said, I have never really been exposed to severe weather (like here in North Carolina). About a month or so ago, my companion and I were in the library on the computers on Facebook. Others were on the computers around us doing anything from looking up the next viral video to playing a game on their computer. It was a typical scene at the library. What happened next is what made me take a step back.

The library was silent (as they tend to be) except for the hum of the heating vents and the occasional mouse clicks. Outside the clouds started to overshadow the library but nobody, myself included, cared to notice. All of the sudden, after the lights flickered for a few moments, the hum of the heater and occasional mouse clicks stopped simultaneously. The room was now in darkness except for the little light that shined through the windows. The librarian informed us we were now in a tornado warning. I won't ever forget the faces of those around me in that exact second after the black out. Some emotions they wore were confusion, sadness, and some of them even anger. If I could sum the feeling that they all might have had in one word, it is emptiness. Granted, many of them a few moments later were just fine but their initial reaction to their screens turning black alarmed me.

Are we really that sucked into our own little worlds? Are we really that reliant on our devices that we use?

In the story none of us in the library had any clue that we were going to be in the possible danger of a tornado in the next few minutes. I think many of us are lost to some extent, looking for something that satisfies us. 

I realized then that there are many things in missionary work that I have noticed that are similar to the story. People are out there who are lost in their lives. They might seem content on the outside but there is something missing on the inside. Looking for those things that will fill the hole in their heart temporarily. There is nothing more in the world that I want than to help others find true happiness, mostly because I know what it feels like to be lost. I also know what it feels like to be loved and guided as well. I love being a missionary and am grateful for the many opportunities we have to serve and love our friends around us