Empty Eyes

Have you ever thought to yourself: What do I live for? or What matters most to me?

It has been over 15 months since I have been here in North Carolina. I can hardly believe it. Over the past 15 months I have been able to see many people with many different desires. It interests me to be able to sit down with all of these people and get to know what they look forward to in this life. As you might imagine, these desires range from working on cars, to supporting a family, to tending a garden. I love being able to see what matters most to people.

I will not soon forget one of these wonderful people I have sat down with. The man I am referring to was the husband of one of my favorite investigators. His name was Al. They lived in a cozy, brick home in a quaint town. It seemed like every time we would show up, without fail, Al would be out front with his walker gardening out front. Needless to say, his garden was beautifully kept. Al would always sit in on lessons and nod his head and give input every once in a while. After 5 months of getting to know this friendly couple we began to see their desires and what they look forward to in life. We soon found that Al is one of those men that loves getting things done and being able to work with his hands, especially in his garden. In a lot of ways, he reminded me of my grandfather. Like my grandpa, as Al got older and older he felt like he wasn't able to do the things that he used to. His health continued to decline as we visited the couple. He had a few falls and a few trips to the hospital. His wife worried about him quite often.

On a visit in the last little bit I was there, my heart broke for Al. Each visit he seemed to be less and less engaged and subsequently more and more distant. Finally, one night he completely broke down. This man that used to have so much purpose now was completely distraught. As tears rolled from his eyes he told stories of the time when he grew up on a farm in Maine. He would ride horses, till the soil, plant seeds, and reap from the harvest. He reminisced on the things he had achieved in this life and reflected on how absolutely incapable he felt now. He was devastated that he couldn't even uphold a garden now. He had what I have come to know as "empty eyes." Empty eyes the result of hitting rock bottom and feeling as though there is nothing left. As I looked into Al's empty eyes, I saw a piece of my grandpa in him. 

I will promise anyone on earth the same thing that we promised Al that night. There is more to life than this. When it is all said and done things like working on cars, supporting a family, or tending a garden are great things to do in this life to gain experience but ultimately we don't take cars, money, or our garden with us. I know that when we leave from this life we have the ability to be with our family again, to return with God, and ultimately experience joy that we cannot comprehend. Let us all take some time to evaluate what matters most to us. Focus on those things that matter most. Reach out to a friend, bond with your family, and achieve worthy goals. I know that the happiness that comes from those things is the happiness that will last into the life to come.

A Balanced Diet

We eat, we sleep, and we repeat. The necessities of life are often plain and simple to us, a normal way of life.

My companion and I have been trying to eat as healthy as we can as of late. We make sure we get enough fruits and vegetables and stay away from sugary sodas and desserts. As I reflected on how much of a difference it has made in how we felt, I thought of how "spiritual food" greatly affects the way we feel also.

For many of us, much of time is spent taking care of our bodies needs but how often do we take some time for our spiritual needs. When was the last time you took some time to ponder about what you want to become? When was the last time you helped a friend? When was the last time you prayed? All of these things literally feed our spirits and help us live balanced, happy lives.

The Future is Bright

The other day I was pondering on the fact that our loving God would let some of his children go through trials, even devastating trials at times. The hardest thing I have seen on my mission is when innocent, kind people are hurt. I realize, the unenviable pattern of life is that everyone on earth will have ups and downs. Just looking at life logically, it is impossible to have all our days be better than average. Some days will be fantastic and others will be heart-breaking. But if God is really there, and God really loves us, why?

In the Bible, 5th chapter of Mathew it says

          "That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust."

An instant parallel that opened up to my mind as I read that verse is like any Father and Child (or Mother and child) relationship. If the child always got what he wanted, if they are anything like me, life would consist of ice-cream for every meal, late nights, no homework, sleeping in, and simply living in the moment. That would be absolutely fantastic for the first day or two but it would slowly begin to become detrimental on the children. Likewise, more often than not, experiences teach us vital life lessons and skills. Our Father in Heaven allows these trials come upon us so that we might come out stronger.

I know what it is like to feel sad, inadequate, or discouraged. We all do. But as we look up to the future ahead and have faith, one day it will all be well. I love the quote from Thomas S. Monson at the top. "Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith."

Did You See

Last week, on August 20, my grandfather passed away at age 92. He was a WWII veteran, hard worker, role model, organ player, and last but not least an amazing grandpa. He leaves a legacy of 8 children, 35 grandchildren, and 75 great-grandchildren. His funeral is tomorrow and I will not be able to attend but I wanted to show my respect. This is the poem for my grandpa, the least I could do.

Did You See

Did you see that little brown eyes
watched you while you lived your days?
They saw the light in your eyes
and looked up to all your ways.

Did you see that little brown eyes
observed you as you'd pull out Grandma's chair?
From what they saw Grandma was a queen
and she was always treated fair.

Did you see that little brown eyes
lit up when you'd let us climb on your back?
Mom would beg us to stop before
you'd have a heart-attack.

Did you see those little brown eyes
search for coins that fell in your favorite seat?
Unaware that the night before
You'd place them there for me.

Did you see those little brown eyes
squint in laughter as you'd draw on my hand?
A picture of a a kitty cat
would tickle more than I could stand.

Did you see those little brown eyes
watch intently as you told stories of before?
They imagined all the places you've been
and envisioned you a hero of war.

Now, did you know those little brown eyes
blinked and you were gone?
Clueless of what they should do
because you've been here all along.

Did you know those little brown eyes
are now filled with tears?
They miss seeing the Grandpa
they loved through all the years.

Do you see these little brown eyes
looking to heaven above?
Praying for comfort and peace,
pleading for God's love.

Did you know these little brown eyes
look now to the future ahead?
They belong to a young man now
who remembers your example, the things that you said.

I can make you proud, I promise.
Keep watching and you'll see.
By following your example
you're still alive through me.

I will share the wonderful news
until the very end.
That because of Him, these little brown eyes
will see your face again.

Because of Him 

death has no sting 

the grave has no victory

What Are You Thinking

A few months ago in the North Carolina Raleigh Mission, we were blessed to hear from Elder W. Craig Zwick. Last General Conference we were able to hear from him again in a talk titled What Are You Thinking?. The story he told about his young family helps illuminate our knowledge on forgiveness and understanding.

Forty-one years ago I climbed into the driver’s seat of an 18-wheel semitruck with my beautiful wife, Jan, and our infant son, Scotty. We were taking a heavy load of construction materials across several states. In those days there were no seat-belt restrictions or infant car seats. My wife held our precious son in her arms. Her comment “We sure are high off the ground” should have given me a clue about her feelings of apprehension.
As we made our descent over historic Donner Pass, a steep section of highway, the cab of the semi suddenly and unexpectedly filled with thick smoke. It was difficult to see, and we could hardly breathe.
With a heavy rig, brakes alone are not enough to rapidly decrease speed. Using the engine brakes and gearing down, I frantically attempted to stop.
Just as I was pulling to the side of the road, but before we had come to a full stop, my wife opened the door of the cab and jumped out with our baby in her arms. I watched helplessly as they tumbled in the dirt.
As soon as I had the semi stopped, I bolted from the smoking cab. With adrenaline pumping, I ran through the rocks and weeds and held them in my arms. Jan’s forearms and elbows were battered and bleeding, but thankfully she and our son were both breathing. I just held them close as the dust settled there on the side of the highway.
As my heartbeat normalized and I caught my breath, I blurted out, “What in the world were you thinking? Do you know how dangerous that was? You could have been killed!”
She looked back at me, with tears running down her smoke-smudged cheeks, and said something that pierced my heart and still rings in my ears: “I was just trying to save our son.”
I realized in that moment she thought the engine was on fire, fearing the truck would explode and we would die. I, however, knew it was an electrical failure—hazardous but not fatal. I looked at my precious wife, softly rubbing the head of our infant son, and wondered what kind of woman would do something so courageous.
This situation could have been as emotionally hazardous as our literal engine failure. Gratefully, after enduring the silent treatment for a reasonable amount of time, each of us believing the other person was at fault, we finally expressed the emotions that were churning beneath our heated outbursts. Shared feelings of love and fear for the other’s safety kept the hazardous incident from proving fatal to our cherished marriage.

How often in our lives do we find ourselves in arguments fueled by misunderstanding? With hundreds and hundreds of different cultures all around the world it is easy to see why there is so much contention. We read from the writings of Paul "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers." If we all make a conscious effort to understand where one another is coming from, imagine where the world would be.

New Teacher

The experiences I have had thus far on my mission truly humble me.

This week I would like to talk about Daniel, one of the Haitian investigators Elder Gardner and I get to work with. Daniel lives at the end of a dead end street here in Lumberton, NC. On any given trip down Daniel's street chances are you would see many more Haitian refugees outside their homes talking and laughing. Daniel stands at roughly 6 foot 4 inches I would guess and always wears a smile ear to ear. The rest of his family still lives back in Haiti but he hopes to have them with him soon.

This past week two areas in Lumberton were consolidated leaving me with many investigators that other missionaries had been working with, most of which are Haitian. This process of meeting these new people is a normal thing in missionary work and usually comes with quite a bit of work. The tendency is that most investigators take some time to get used to the new missionary and their might even be some apprehension at first. To my surprise this was not the case at all with Daniel and many others.

It was my first day working with Elder Gardner and I was nervous because I hadn't learned much Creole yet. We drove down Daniel's street and pulled up to his house. Moments after we knocked on his door it swung open, he looked at me with his big smile and said, "NEW TEACHER!" He invited us in and smiled as he listened to the message we shared that day. Daniel showed so much love for me.

From house to house the love of these humble people has been the same. Though their earthly possessions are few, it always seems like they are trying to give you everything they have. I have never seen a happier group of people in my life. I am excited for the many more adventures to come!

Mother's Day

Many times on my mission my companion and I have been invited over to families homes for dinner. I love the opportunity we have to meet with all of these people. Not too long ago, we had the opportunity to go over to yet another families home.

We all sat together and talked as usual and enjoyed the evening. As missionaries, at the end of the dinner we usually share a brief spiritual message to show our gratitude to those who were kind enough to let us in. When we were sharing a message about prayer the mother just broke down in tears. Choking on her tears, she told us how her son (who was gone that night) hadn't talked to her all weekend and wouldn't eat. She was so worried about her son. You could see the distress and love in her eyes. We promised her that all would be well.

Fast forward to that night I did a lot of contemplating. I had never really come to see a mother's love in that light until that evening. What makes the bond between a mother and her child so deep? The divine love that mothers have is no doubt inspired.

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed. -The Family a Proclamation to the World

It made me look back on my life and realize how much my mother has always loved me. My heart breaks to know that at one time or another, just like the mother we talked to, my mom probably shed a tear or two worrying about me. My mom has always been patient with my siblings for all my life. I am thankful that God has given me such a great family and the example that my parents have set for me!

Happy Mothers Day!
(AKA Missionaries get to talk to their family day)

10,000 Feet Up

On my mission I am constantly reminded that, sometimes, things aren't always easy. At times our path we must walk is so difficult that we feel like we can not even take another step forward. During these struggles in life, I can't help but to think of one of the most terrifying yet humbling experiences of my life.

In August of 2011 my friends, including my older brother Curtis, and I packed up and prepared for a backpacking trip. We mapped out our destination to the Sawtooth mountain range in Idaho with our youth group leaders.

When we arrived we were blown away by the beautiful mountains that we would be spending almost a week in. Little did we know what was ahead of us. Our first day of the hike we primarily went through desolate stretches of sagebrush in 85 degree weather. It was one of the hottest days of the year for that mountain range. We climbed up in elevation as we marched the first 9 miles that day. Our 50 lb packs felt heavier and heavier as the trek moved on. Toward the end of the hike we entered into the shade of towering evergreens. It hit me then that there was absolutely no sign of life or civilization for miles around, not even cabins or dirt roads, just the trail and the rustic Sawtooth mountains. We followed the trail until we finally made it to a crystal clear blue lake of glacier run off. My best friend, Nick, dropped his pack immediately and laid on top of a boulder as if it was a king size mattress. I knew he was acting strange but it wasn't until later that we realized he probably had high-altitude sickness.

The next few days weren't near as bad. We were blessed with the majestic scenery. I won't ever forget what it felt like sitting on top of an ice cold glacier on an 80 degree day, it was really bizarre that the ice there had remained frozen for hundreds of years. Our trail must have passed by a dozen of these crystal clear glacier lakes each one with its own name to describe it. We passed Hatchet Lake, Noisy Lake, Quiet Lake, and Boulder Lake just to name a few.

On the second to last day on the trail we hit our trial, it was a mountain pass called the Windy Devil. I stood in the midst of 14-18 year old young men looking up at the perilous mountain. If the steepness and the height of the mountain wasn't enough to scare us, there was a point where which we were to cross over a glacier. One wrong step and we would have slid down the icy slope into the jagged rocks at the bottom. I like to imagine that all of us there was as nervous as I was, but none of us was ever going to admit we were scared. We just all looked up at the peak that reached into the sky at over 10,000 feet elevation. We climbed the mountain sometimes with all fours on the rock face. Our heavy packs on our backs made the climb that much harder. It felt as if my pack was trying to pull me off the mountain. When we hit the ice we would kick foot-holes into it and very cautiously take it one step at a time making sure that our footholds would, in fact hold. After what seemed like an hour, we made it to the top. 

Our vision now could see over the chain of crystal clear lakes. The sight was just that much better from the top of the mountain. The hike was dangerous and hard, but definitely worth it.

At times on my mission I reflect on what I learned that week in the Sawtooth mountain range. Sometimes my companion and I (or our friends that we visit) feel as if we have our weights on our back holding us back. Sometimes we can only take things one step at a time, and we might even be crawling on our hands and feet. The most important thing I learned is that  will always be worth it in the end as long as we keep moving.

Because of Him

North Carolina is absolutely beautiful in the spring time. Flowers of just about every color appear on the trees and greenery around us. I cannot think of a better and more beautiful time to celebrate Easter. The life around us begins to spring up again after a dark and dreary winter.

The video above, titled Because of Him, tells the story of how Christ conquered death that we might all have a brighter hope and in turn a brighter future. The potential that we all have remains endless because of Him. I know that the capabilities and accomplishments of mankind are great and marvelous, but Christ's resurrection is even greater and more marvelous.

My question to all of you readers out there is: How has your life changed Because of Him?
Please leave your comments below

Mysterious Ways

This week I was taught the lesson that the Lord works in mysterious ways. My companion, Elder Firmage, and I had another miracle moment. The missionary work here in Lumberton has been going fantastic lately but we have had a lot of appointments fall through last minute. That was the same story as always last Tuesday. We were excited to go back and meet with an amazing family that we had been talking to with a member of our ward. We got an oh so familiar phone call that our meet would be cancelled. Our ride picked us up later that day. So instead of visiting the family we had planned on, we decided to go talk to a lady named Deborah that a friend of ours told us we should go visit.

After knocking on the door a lady in her 40's dressed in scrubs answered the door. We asked her if she was the Deborah we were looking for. She then told us that her name was Robin and that Deborah was inside on the chair but that she was Debora's care taker. Just like at the beginning of any lesson, we began with a word of prayer. We began speaking to Deborah asking about her faith and how it has helped her. She, being an older lady, answered our questions politely and simply but didn't really seem to be getting a whole lot out of the words we were saying. Soon, the spirit directed my companion and I to the other side of the room. There sat Robin the caretaker, listening intently to the conversation. After asking one question that was directed to her she just completely opened up. She told us of many struggles that she has been going through and that she knows that God is exactly what she needs right now in her life. With tears in her eyes, her words obviously indicated that she was feeling the spirit.

It intrigues me how often instances like that happen on my mission. Here was Elder Firmage and I expecting to teach a family, plans changed to seeing Deborah, then lastly the Lord put Robin, her caretaker, into our path. There is no doubt in my mind that it was not a mistake. A lot of miracles in this life come from unexpected instances.

Guidance from God

At one point or another, I think we all could agree, questions arise in life where the answers aren't readily available. With modern technology it is ridiculously easy to access seemingly limitless amounts of information. Regardless of this ability we have to get information, many personal questions seem to go unanswered. What can I do to help my family? Does God exist? How can I balance work and family? What is my potential? What is the next big step in my life? Ect.

This weekend we have the amazing opportunity to listen to the Prophet and Apostles speak directly to us at what is called General Conference. The talks broadcast all over the world and are listened to in 197 countries and translated into 94 different languages. There truly are topics that will answer life's questions for us. 

My challenge to everyone reading this is to come up with a question that has been on your mind lately and pray for guidance. Next, watch general conference. I know that God answers our prayers and guide us in our life  (click on the link to see my post Free at Last, where a close friend received guidance during trials in his life during last general conference). Let me know how it goes, I would love to hear your story!

Watch it on Saturday and Sunday at conference.lds.org.

Black Out

Not too long ago, in a tornado warning, I had a realization that changed my outlook on our world we live in today.

Like I have mentioned a time or two before, I was born and raised in Idaho. With that being said, I have never really been exposed to severe weather (like here in North Carolina). About a month or so ago, my companion and I were in the library on the computers on Facebook. Others were on the computers around us doing anything from looking up the next viral video to playing a game on their computer. It was a typical scene at the library. What happened next is what made me take a step back.

The library was silent (as they tend to be) except for the hum of the heating vents and the occasional mouse clicks. Outside the clouds started to overshadow the library but nobody, myself included, cared to notice. All of the sudden, after the lights flickered for a few moments, the hum of the heater and occasional mouse clicks stopped simultaneously. The room was now in darkness except for the little light that shined through the windows. The librarian informed us we were now in a tornado warning. I won't ever forget the faces of those around me in that exact second after the black out. Some emotions they wore were confusion, sadness, and some of them even anger. If I could sum the feeling that they all might have had in one word, it is emptiness. Granted, many of them a few moments later were just fine but their initial reaction to their screens turning black alarmed me.

Are we really that sucked into our own little worlds? Are we really that reliant on our devices that we use?

In the story none of us in the library had any clue that we were going to be in the possible danger of a tornado in the next few minutes. I think many of us are lost to some extent, looking for something that satisfies us. 

I realized then that there are many things in missionary work that I have noticed that are similar to the story. People are out there who are lost in their lives. They might seem content on the outside but there is something missing on the inside. Looking for those things that will fill the hole in their heart temporarily. There is nothing more in the world that I want than to help others find true happiness, mostly because I know what it feels like to be lost. I also know what it feels like to be loved and guided as well. I love being a missionary and am grateful for the many opportunities we have to serve and love our friends around us